Heather Lesh and I got together during December, 1997, and , being extremely bored and silly one day, decided to take pictures for a parody of Labyrinth. We thought we'd just snap a few photos, dash off some silly captions and be done with it. Little did we suspect that this would expand into a months-long project.

Here's the result. Click on a link to see the corresponding illustrations.

Cast

Ballroom Dancers played by various Star Wars figurines
Boggle played by Boggle
Cleaner played by Elizabeth A. Allen
Fireys played by Heather's decapitated Barbies
Jareth played by Elizabeth A. Allen (of course!)
Junkie Woman played by Elizabeth A. Allen
Launcelot In The Beginning played by Ringo
Launcelot At The End played by Shakespeare
Owl On Top Of The Castle played by Fred
Owl At The End played by Spud
Sarah played by Heather D. Lesh
Snake played by Ralph
Tobi played by "The Babe"

Once upon a time, there lived a young girl named Sarah. She was very imaginative, but also very crabby because she had a lousy memory.

One night, as usual, Sarah's father and stepmother made her babysit her little sister, Tobi, who was in an especially bad mood. Nothing Sarah tried would make Tobi stop crying, not even when Sarah turned on her favorite movie.

Finally Sarah screamed, "I wish that the goblins would come and take you away RIGHT NOW!" She stalked out of the room.

Attack of bad '80s hair

Suddenly all was quiet. Sarah ran back into Tobi's room. But Tobi was gone! In her place was an individual trying to look as imposing as someone with funny hair and bad teeth can. "You're him, aren't you? The Goblin...uh..." Sarah looked him up and down. "...King, right?"

"I'm Jareth," he said. "And I'm having a bad hair day, okay?"

"Whatever," said Sarah. "I want my sister back."

"What's said is said," Jareth informed her.

"Nasty little cheater! Give me Tobi or I'll call the police!"

"Don't defy me!" Jareth warned her. "I have a rubber snake."

He threw it at her. There was a brief tussle, and, when she recovered herself, Sarah was no longer in her sister's room. Instead, she and Jareth stood on top of a hill overlooking a huge maze with a castle at the center. "If you want to see your sister again," Jareth said, "you'l have to solve my Labyrinth and reach the castle at the center beyond the Goblin City."

"Oh, that won't be too hard," said Sarah.

Jareth pointed to a clock that had somehow appeared in the crotch of a nearby tree. "You have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before your baby sister becomes one of us forever. Nyah nyah nyah!" He disappeared.

Sarah took one last resentful look at the clock before she headed downhill to begin her journey into the Labyrinth.

A mind-boggling encounter

Reaching the front ramparts of the maze, Sarah came across a most unusual sight: a small animated three-minute word game manufactured by Parker Brothers! Its name was Boggle, and it was braining fairies with its letter-covered dice.

"You wretched little game!" Sarah cried. "How could you hurt those innocent fairies?" She picked one up, but it chomped on her finger.

HAH HAH, spelled Boggle.

"Oh shut up, you mean old thing," Sarah pouted. Fortunately, she had a Band-Aid in her pocket and a flyswatter with which to finish the offending fairy off.

Boggle proved to be somewhat less snide after introductions, but it still wouldn't tell her how to get into the Labyrinth. "It's hopeless asking you anything!" Sarah threw up her hands.

NOT IF YOU ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, Boggle said, which took about five minutes since it only had spaces for sixteen letters at a time.

Sarah sighed. She wasn't too sure about Boggle, her new ally, but it was the only one she had at this point.

Boggle showed Sarah a way in, but refused to accompany her. Sarah ran around in the maze for a while, but made no headway until she met a worm (not shown because it was not bait season during time of filming), who pointed out an opening to her. Soon Sarah was frolicking toward the castle, drawing arrows to mark her way.

In the castle, Tobi was still crying. Jareth tried singing "Rock-a-bye, Baby," "Hush, Little Baby" and all the other lullabies he could think of. Nothing worked.

In the end, Jareth dove into his closet and rummaged through his collection of cosmetics, stiletto heels, stockings, et cetera. He came out in an entirely new wardrobe and began singing "Pants Magic."

Tobi was fascinated.

Upon trying to retrace her steps, Sarah saw that the Labyrinth Sanitation Division had erased her arrows. So she threw a temper tantrum and stomped around so hard that the stones beneath her gave way and she fell into an oubliette.

Luckily, Boggle happened to be in the oubliette too. With a little bribery, Sarah convinced the game to guide her as far as it could toward the castle beyond the Goblin City.

Attack of the cowboy wanna-be

So the two climbed up out of the oubliette. They thought they were making progress until they came upon a figure hunched against the wall. "Hey, it's Zorro!" Sarah exclaimed.

NO, IT'S JARETH! Boggle spelled. RUN!

"Bigwart," said Jareth to Boggle, cornering it so neither it nore Sarah could move, "can it be that you're helping this girl?"

UH, UH, UH, spelled Boggle.

"You'd better not be, or else I'll have to pitch you into the Bog of Eternal Stench." Jareth mixed up Boggle's letters and tossed it into a corner. "And you, cutie," he said to Sarah, winking at her, "what do you think of my Labyrinth?"

"It's too hard! And it's not fair!" Sarah sniffled.

"You whine too much," said Jareth. "I think it's time for you to clean up your act." He tossed one of his balls down the tunnel. A hideous being materialized as Jareth disappeared.

IT'S A CLEANER! spelled Boggle. The two whirled to flee the oncoming plunger.

Sarah and Boggle ran away from the cleaning lady and met a wise man who told them that they were on the right track. Boggle deserted Sarah, however, when the two of them heard a huge roar. "Come back here, you coward!" Sarah screamed, but Boggle escaped into the distance.

Sarah decided to be brave and peek around the corner, where she saw the orange hairy monster Ludo being tortured by several goblins. She fended the goblins off with some candy canes (the prop department was underfunded, all right?!), unstrung Ludo from where he was hung and befriended him.

Ludo soon fell down a hole, though, and Sarah had to face the fearsome Fireys alone. These enthusiastically self-dismembering creatures bore an unnerving resemblance to Barbies. "Come on, girl," they squawked. "Don't you want to fit into impossibly skimpy bathing suits like us?"

"Boggle, help!" yelled Sarah.

Attack of the bargain shopper

Boggle was about to aid its friend when Jareth appeared out of nowhere. "You wouldn't be going to help Sarah after my warnings, would you?"

Boggle's letters began rattling so hard that it couldn't spell. I...I...I...WAS GOING TO TAKE HER BACK TO THE BEGINNING, it finally managed to get out.

"I've got a better idea. Give her this."

WHAT IS IT?

"It's a can of Del Monte Quality sliced yellow cling peaches in heavy syrup. It was on sale at Kroger for $1.09."

IT AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING TO HARM THE LITTLE LADY, IS IT? Boggle asked.

"Give it to her, Bugbrain, or I'll tip you straight into the Lake of Fart Juice before you can blink!" Jareth faded out, cackling.

Boggle ran off and saved Sarah from the Fireys. "Oh, Boggle, thank you so much; let me give you a big smoocheroo!" Sarah cried.

AAAUGH! screamed Boggle, but Sarah kissed it.

The two dropped down into the Eternal Stench, where they fell on Ludo. Sarah introduced Boggle and Ludo, and the three searched for a way across the Bog, plugging their noses.

The bridgekeeper, Sir Didymus, helped Sarah and her cohorts make their way across the Bog at last. "We should get to the castle pretty soon," Sir Didymus informed everyone.

Sarah's stomach growled. "I'm hungry; I could really go for some yellow cling peaches in heavy syrup right now."

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! said Boggle. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE A CAN RIGHT HERE AND A CAN OPENER AND A FORK!

"Thanks, Boggle!" Sarah undid the can and slurped the peaches down. Soon her friends were far ahead, and she was sprawled under a tree. "Urgh, I should 'a' known better," she groaned. "That heavy syrup will get ya every time...."

A PG-13 moment

Meanwhile, in his castle, Jareth had found his Chinese exercise balls...and even his favorite Christmas globe that he had been missing from his tree for years, but not... "My crystal balls!" cried Jareth. "Where are my crystal balls?" Then he looked in his pants. They were there, right where they always were. With a malevolent smirk, he used them to cast the spell that would make Sarah forget everything but him.

Jareth swept Sarah off into a masquerade ball enclosed in a bubble. She wove her way among the costumed dancers until she was in his arms. He whirled her about the ballroom. "I got my hair cut just for you, Sarah," he whispered. "Do you like it?"

"Not really," said Sarah. "it looks dopey, like these buns on the sides of my head."

"You're beautiful, Sarah," said Jareth, "almost as beautiful as me."

"You're stepping on my foot," said Sarah.

"I love you, Sarah!"

"Get away, you clod! You're at least thirty years older than I am!" Sarah wrenched herself from Jareth's arms and smashed the bubble with a chair.

The ball in a bubble dissolved. Sarah dropped into a junk heap. "Oooog, what was I doing?" She tossed the can of peaches away and staggered off to throw up behind a rusted dishwasher.

Peace, love and 'ludes

"Hey, looks like you're having a way heinous trip," someone said behind her. Sarah looked up and saw the Junkie Woman. "Here, take this. It'll make ya feel groovy."

Sarah pushed the joint away. "No thanks... What was I looking for?"

"Acid? Speed? Coke?" The Junkie Woman pulled packages out of her rags. "I got it all right here, man, even the needles!"

"Hey, I remember -- I was looking for Tobi!"

"Toke? Did you say toke?" the Junkie Woman asked, but Sarah was already seeking out her friends.

Sarah, Hoggle, Ludo and Didymus were soon reunited. They crashed through the gates of the Goblin City and created total mayhem as the beleaguered goblins tried without any success to defend themselves.

Sarah closed in on Jareth in his boudoir. "Come out of there and fight like a man!"

She busted down the door and followed Jareth into the stair maze. Tobi was in there too! Sarah chased her little sister all over the place while Jareth watched and finished applying his make-up.

Finally she stopped to catch her breath. "It's not fair! This place makes me dizzy! I think I'm gonna puke again. Can we have the confrontation somewhere else?"

"Oh fine," said Jareth, rolling his eyes. "But only if you promise to stop whining."

A triumph for truth, justice, the American Way and fashion mavens everywhere

Suddenly the two of them were standing on a level piece of wreckage somewhere in space. "Do you like my white ensemble?" Jareth asked. "I've been saving it for a special occasion."

"Give me a break, Jareth," said Sarah. "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me and...uh... Damn it -- what was that line?" Sarah thought and thought, while Jareth's smirk grew wider. Suddenly Sarah cried triumphantly, "And you have no fashion sense either!"

"Aaaaaiiieee!" Jareth screeched. At that moment, the clock struck thirteen. All that remainded of Jareth was a white cape, a pair of white gloves, a tube of eyeliner and a rather nonplused owl.

As the stair maze dissolved around Sarah, she discovered that she was back in her own house. She charged upstairs into her sister's room. Tobi was, amazingly enough, quiet, asleep and perfectly safe.

Sarah closed the door, then realized something. She had just passed up a chance to get out of babysitting duty forever. "Damn."

But Sarah didn't have enough energy for regrets. When Jareth had reordered time and turned the world upside-down, he'd messed with her circadian rhythms too. Sarah crashed onto her bed and began to snore. She did not hear the small, fuzzy owl downstairs that was bonking against the French doors, trying to get out.

The End

All original content © 1997 to the present by me, Elizabeth A. Allen..
Plagiarists will be suspended head-first in the Bog of Eternal Stench..